so today is my fasting day....later i am just gonna hav cereal with milk and thats that for the whole day....
i am going to teach my body once again to enjoy hunger. my body had been bad and had craved for fat.....but thats gotta change.
gotta learn to eat myself.....i dun care that i will be hurting....
last friday there was this computer fair in town that they wanna go but i was not so keen to go. then i offer to drive them there. they told me that they wanted to do some grocery shopping too. so i told them we will go out earlier to do grocery shopping and then we go computer fair cuz i have a student council meeting that afternoon.
however on the friday, i call them at 8 o'clock in the morning to inform them that i will pick them up at 9 o'clock. this is what they told me:
'shirly, we just woke up. an hour is not enough for us to get ready. can you come pick us up at noon?'
i was like wat the HECK!!
but still i told them nicely that i hav a meeting at 2 pm...so we hav to go in the morning.
with an irritated voice they said' alright then. we will go out at 10.30 am.' then they slam down the phone.
at that moment i felt so fucking hurt...i had been nice enough to offer them a ride...but i guess at that moment they took it too far. but still i went to pick them up.
by the time we reach the computer fair its 11 o'clock. they spent an hour at the fair but bought nothing. then one of the girls asked me to take her to the bank to get money before we go for lunch which is completely out of the way...but after she give me the look, i agreed.
finally we go eat. after having lunch at 1.30 pm they said they wanted me to take them shopping which i completely refused. damn it!!! how many fucking times do i hav to repeat that i have a FUCKING MEETING TO GO AT 2?!!!!
they got pissed off...and i left them there.
and i decided on my way back that enough is enough. they are never riding my boyfriend car anymore. i have enough of them already.
i still remember the last time we talked about prom night. cuz last yr the prom night i din attend and they dun hav transport home after prom. so they rent a hotel room in town. this yr, the councillor prepared bus to take students to and back from the prom night. so i told them about it.
they just told me, 'we don't need the bus cuz you can drive us,right?'
ouch! that hurts...
so, yeah. personally they took me for granted. i will stay away from them.
hay! how's you girls doing? hope you are doing well. i just had my period and a week before ths i ate like a cow. so ashamed of myself...i can't control myself. i am always hungry. do you girls feel it before your period?
but i muct take charge of my life now....
stay away from food....
i am sleepy now...good night!!
- Mood:
disappointed
this is not a thinspiration but i really love this song....total eclipse of the heart....girls! go watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4ILCERz9
so how's everyone today? doing well? today is a hectic day....busy!! i had only just settle down....miss you girls. miss posting here.
yesterday my boyfriend told me that i am losing weight. YIPPEEE!!! i am so happy....
you girls ever felt that even if the whole world thinks that you are beautiful doesn't compare to the guy you love telling you that you are beautiful. its a wonderful feeling. i love it when my boyfriend hold me in his arms and stroke my hair. at that moments, i forgot that i am ugly...i feel like a little girl and that i am actually worthy of love...and only in those moments that everything seems right...and you dun want that feelings to ever go away...and when i fall asleep in his arm...i always had the most peaceful sleep...and at that moments i know that this is love.
so yeah....hope every one here feel like this once in a while....it keeps us going....feed our emptiness....
- Mood:
accomplished - Music:eminem, the kid (love this song!!)
today is the first day of my liquid fast. all my previous liquid fast had failed miserably because i had set the target too high so i am going to start with something small. i am planning a two days fast...and this is the first first day. its 12.51 already. this means that the first quarter of the diet had already been sucessful and i am embarking on the 2nd quarter. i am determined to make this work this time.... i dun wanna be weak.
i may post here often to kill my cravings. posting here often help kills my cravings. after this i am going to work out and take a shower and maybe play some computer games and take a long long nap...sleeping always makes me forget that i need to eat. so girls....think thin...
love you girls!!
how are you girls doing?
good?
damn...this week been bad
i think i am getting fatter and fatter
and i hate it!
i just binged just now
and i hate myself for it!!
sheeeetttttttttttttttttttttt!!!!
i think this holidays at home is making me fat. it makes me lazy. i am so glad my class is starting next week. this means that i would something to project my energy on instead of sitting around and making myself lazier and lazier....
initially i wanted to go sleep but now that i weighed and realised that i gained weight, i decided to workout for an hour. if not i am sure i won't sleep.
i hope everyone is doing well.
bye.
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint
~glad you are not a penis?~
Cry on me
I'll lead you home
Cry on me
Don't cry alone
I smile when you smile
Your happiness is mine
I cry when you cry
Your sadness is mine
Cry on me
I'll cry with you
I smile when you smile
Our language of silence
I cry when you cry
We know it's no crime
Cry on me
I'll cry with you
I smile when you smile
You know my next line
I cry when you cry
We follow the signs
Cry on me
I'll cry with you
Cry on me
I'll lead you home
Cry on me
Don't cry alone
You're never alone
Never alone
Don't cry alone
~you are my bestfriend. you always will be. i just want you to be happy...always.~
my diet has been going well.
ate below 500 for three days now.
hey i just want to ask you guys...do you gain weight before your period?
not in a good mood today. so i dun feel like saying much.
love you girls. bye!!
- Mood:
drained
hey girls...how'ya all? i feel so weak now... i took 10 laxatives last night....really sufferring. i thought i was going to die. it feels like something is killing me on the inside. i guee thats what one has to pay for losing it during a week of vacation....hate myself for that. hopefully i had forced flush everything out of my disgusting body. i don't dare to climb on the scale. i must weighed a ton by now. i am liquid fasting today...for how long i am not sure...maybe till i am satisfied with myself.
so hopefully everyone is doing well.
good day!
think thin
"She's Falling Apart"
They pull up their chairs to the table
She stares at the food on her plate
At the toast and the butter
Her father, her mother, she pushes away
And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
She gets home from school too early
And closes the door to her room
There's nothing inside her
She's weak and she's tired of feeling like this
And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
They call her for dinner, she makes up a reason
She looks at her arms and she rolls down her sleeves
And her mother is starting to see through her lies
And last night her father had tears in his eyes
And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
And we rise in the morning
And we sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
- Mood:
cold
my cell phone number is 014 698 6609. text me. tell me who you are and how you come to get my number. thank you.
i love adam sandler...he is always so sweet....i love it when he smile....its like whoah! it just melts my heart.
imagine a guy will try his best everyday to make you fall in love with him...
so how's you girls doing?
hopefully well... i couldn't sleep and i am bored...so i decided to watch a movie. so ok girls....
bye....
last night i took 8 laxative pills and i stayed up the whole night in the washroom. i feel so tired now but i hav to send my frens to the airport later..so i can't sleep. i think my bf is being suspicious cuz i stay over at his place last night so he asked me why am i in the toilet the whole last night. i told him its up to me..he got pissed off and later give me the look. the other day i went out with him and my laxative had ran out and i terribly need a shot because i feel so fat. and he was like ' why did you need this?' i just told him i had constipation. and last night i bought it again when i was out with my frens. since i was bulk buying the laxative, they got suspicious and ask me what am i doing wit it. i told them i had constipation and they asked me 'are you sure?'
sometimes i feel so guilty lying to my frens...lying to my boyfriend. i had been suffering from ana since i am twelve. when i was 17, i decided i need help. and i want to recover. so i told my frens bout it and they help me recover. i throw away my scale...start eating healthy food...and i turn into a cow. my mum who had cried when she realised i am too thin a few yrs ago told me the other day that i am fat. it hurts. thats when i turn to look into the mirror and saw a fat cow. i hate it... i mean how could i let myself go? i am 21 now... n i decided that i can't let myself go on like this. i am so fat. so obviously my boyfriend of almost 2 yrs don't know anything about my eating disorder and my history of it. i never told him cuz it was too painful. how can i let ppl know that i hate myself? i am a good student. i get good grades. i am the vice president of d student council in college. i serve in the student christian fellowship. i chairman big functions. ppl naturally thought that i am confident....but the fact is every time i look in the mirror i hate myself. every time i go home i hate myself. my mum, my dad, my grandma..all the ppl i love... is always pointing at my shortfalls. i hate it. its hurtful. sometimes i just wish i can run away from it all. sometimes i am too tired to do anything.
i hate my life.
i hate myself.
i wanna be thin.
then i'll be perfect.
i am a fat cow.
i am a fat cow.
i hate this life.
but why?
- Location:in my apartment
- Mood: cold
- Music:damn unpretty- tlc
goodnight!!
today is the second day of my liquid diet actually. yesterday was a sucess but the thing is tonight is one of my really good fren's birthday and we are going out for dinner.
its been really bothering me cuz i know they will make me eat. and it will be really rude not to eat anything.my fren just hit the big 2...
so i think of a way. last night i suggested this really fancy and expensive restaurant. the purpose is that we won't be able to afford too much food so i guess it will be good...and did you guys realised that these fancy restaurant aren't just expensive, the portion of food they serve is usually half of what you get in an ordinary dining place. agree?
and after i come home tonight, i will work out to burn it all off.
haha!!! i am so brilliant!!!
LOL
anyways my finals is over. and i am going on a vacation this saturday...eventhough my bestfriend decided not to meet up with me( i mentioned bout this in my last post)....i am looking forward to it... i am mentally ready and i am physically prepared...and i know that the moment i step out of my plane...the city is better be ready for me!!
see...even i am in a mellow mood now...
i love vacation because when you are on a vacation you can shop and spend all you want without guilt....man...i love shopping.
i dunno if you girls feel the same way i do....i think that its easier to burn off the cals that you have just eaten than after a while because i think the cals will be fully stuck to your body by then...so i prefer to work off my fat immediately after i lose control and binge or i will took lots and lots of laxative after i binged to flush it all away.
that's all girls....
stay cool...stay beautiful
bye!!
- Mood:
giggly
i really missed them and since we went to college at different places, i really feel excited about visiting them. i was so looking forward to it...tilll yesterday my bestfriend texted me to say that she has this concert tat she has to attend on the day that i am there. so she can't join me and another friend.
i was so crushed. i was so disappointed. she told me she bought the tickets a yr ago and yadda...yadda...yadda.
to me its all her 101 reasons. i guess she made her choice. the concert is more important than me. its a free country. she majors in music and attends concert the whole yr round...and we made plans one yr ago too. its hard for me to save enough to visit them. now...its gone....all going down the drain.
we really grew apart after college. sometimes i really thinks that i am the one who is trying hard to keep our friendship going and stuff. she loves her new life...her new friends. maybe i am something in the past for her...something better left at home. actually before she text me about not joining us, she text me to ask if two of her other friends could join. i mean this is supposed to be our old frens gathering but i said its alright. then a few hours later she said she could not make it.
this morning she text me again wishing me luck in my finals....
yeah..so much for her thougnts... its already the second last paper i am going to have...and she just realised she need to wish me luck.
i just answered thanks.
maybe you guys may think that i am making it a mountain out of a mole. but it really bothers me.
anyhow, i decided to continue with the plans with my another friend who despite her exam coming still make the time for me. gonna have fun with or without her.
sad...
so how you lovely ladies here doing?
man...i picked up so much tips from you girls...and after my last paper on monday, i am so going to fast for a week. have not been working out much lately. usually i gain weight after my finals due to the comfort eating while i am stress..and the lack of exercise...but i am proud to say that i gain none. at least i am still maintaining.
so hav to go on a fast....
besides chewing on gum to kill the cravings(which really works), are there anymore ways?
i am afraid i may crave badly during my fast next week.
thanks, girls!!
bye!!
so girls i am budgetting now. hopefully by the end of this month i can get it. its RM 299. well RM is the currency for my country.
yay!! i am so getting that!!
ok. i weighed my self today and i lose 3 kg in my all vege diet this week. so so so happy... on top of this just bought myself a scale. its in purple and i love it. with the scale, i can constantly weighed myself and ensure that my weigh will only decrease. i am going to keep going on.
i just bought 2 sticks of gum. one is blueberry flavoured and the other is strawberry flavoured. i got the idea of killing cravings by chewing gum and i really wanna thank you guys for it. i really love you guys. you keep me strong. i dunno if i can go so far without all your support.
today i read a really interesting joke. it goes like this:
jake is on his death bed. he is sick, weak and reaching the end of his life. his wife is on his bed side.
with barely a whisper, jake's pale lips says, 'jane, my beloved one, before i die, there is something that i wan to tell you.'
'hush now, my dear. its ok. you need your rest' jane gently reply.
'no. you must let me tell you this before i die.' jake protested.
calmly, jane answers, 'no its ok love.'
jake is getting restless now. he raised his voice and say: 'jane. you do not understand. i slept with your sister, your mum and bestfriend behind your back.'
jake was quite surprised to see jane's reaction as he expected jane to look sad or cry. instead jane smiled and answers:
' i know. thats y i poison you'
thats all girls. hope you guys like it. think thin.
bye!!
- Mood:
cheerful
thank you.
so yeah...
its 12.36 noon time here...so far i had a glass of milk and oatmeal for breakfast...
and because its my finals...i really need the food for brain power so i had fried noodle with chillies for lunch....well its not exactly noodle...but some sort like that....i feel bad that i have to eat....but i know that if i dun eat anything i can't study for tommorow's paper....and my studies is priorities to me....i feel so guilty but i had to eat at least a little....anyways i add alot of chillies into my meal because i heard chillies can help burn away fat and increase metabolism. but its not convincing.....cuz the guilt of eating the fried noodle is eating at me now...
guess i'll hav to workout again tonight to burn it away....
anyways i am saving up for this fitness machine to build the abs that i saw the other day..so hopefully i can afford it by the end of this month.
i am sorry girls...i really feel like i am letting you girls down. sometimes i think i am doing so badly...and you girls are doing so well...sometimes i feel i don't deserve here. i feel like a fat cow right now. i used to hav so much self control. but now....
i just being accepted into student council and hold the post of vice-president...i know alot of students would give alot for this...but somehow i feel undeserving. i don't know if i can hold such a big responsibility... i am not even good enough...such an ugly person like me representing the student...the school.
i feel so helpless...i think i will not do well in my finals.
i hate myself.
hate
hate
hate
hate
- Mood:
blank
I propose that we all get a red beaded bracelet. You can make it or buy them. Wear it daily or when you go out to secretly say that you are proud to be pro-ana or proud to have an ED that is. Anytime you see someone wearing a red beaded bracelet, capture their eye contact and point to your bracelet, and if they return the same point to theirs ... then they are ED friendly. If not, then its just someone whom is wearing one.
As for those who are older and feel silly wearing a beaded bracelet, wear a red t-shirt every Monday or when you go out on Mondays.
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